No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
