he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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