You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
