I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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