I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
