Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
