there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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