Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
