best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
