Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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