we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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