making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
