Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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