you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
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We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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