omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
