i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
