True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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