everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
