He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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