Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
