We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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