The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
