you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
did i walk over a car last night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
