this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
