Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
