Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
