I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
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It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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