I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
