I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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