Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
