I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need a beard to bite.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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