he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
