Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
