No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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