I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.