just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.