apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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