Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
