Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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