Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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