you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
