Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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