You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
