where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You can't special order awesome
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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