Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize