Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
