Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
