wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
