Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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