Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
