Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
