Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
