theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
