Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
whose parrot is this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
