I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
