So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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