Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
