When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
